Emptiness. What an odd feeling. If you can call it that at all, considering it implies a lack of anything.
It's that weird sensation when your mind is cluttered with thoughts and emotions but you can't seem to focus on a single idea in particular.
It's when you stare blankly off into the distance and lie completely still.
It's when you just want to stay in the same place forever and never do anything again.
It's when you think things won't and can't change.
It's when you lose something you hold close.
As far as I'm aware this cannot be medically explained, some might call it depression, some might call it a broken heart. Whatever it is it's weird. I'm no stranger to the feeling but when it happens it always hits hard.
I never really get over it when it happens, so I end up with a pile of memories on top of each other and it just keeps building.
My normal reaction to such a thing is to stay in the same place for several hours. Then I get up and look all serious, like an action hero who's about to go avenge their dead wife. Then I walk around the house, maybe walk down to the park and stroll solemnly around whilst listening to slow music, or just stay in silence. Then comes the strange part: I settle in front of my piano and just play. Sometimes it's music written by someone else and sometimes it's something I make up on the spot. Either way I seem to become far more talented when I have the empty feeling. Unfortunately I'm too much of a wreck to write down anything I think up so it just becomes something I live through once.
But it feels amazing.
I realise I love music. It's so powerful in what it can do for you, whatever it is you need.
There are things that can really tear you up inside, but if you're anything like me you can turn to music and it may not heal you or make you feel any better, but channeling your emotions into playing is incredibly satisfying and if you try it can really bring out anything you're feeling. Often I'll find myself bursting into tears or laughing out loud when playing.
I think I can open up here, in the safety of my little blog, no one I know really reads it, except you Bryce if you happen to be reading.
Anyway, yes, something happened that hurt me, but I think it happened for the best so it's not all such a loss. As our good friend Alfred Lord Tennyson once said: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and I think it's fair to say I loved you, Zoe. I couldn't make you feel happy, but some day somebody will.
Oh, 'Coffey on the Mile' just came up on my ipod. So beautiful. Kay then.
Toodles.

  - JF